I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
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The human personality is made of five key elements
A double negative is a big no-no.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?