dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
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That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
is nasa ok
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Good morning, Twitter x
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really