@mjkspeaks

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

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@dubstep4dads

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

@TheTweetOfGod

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

@SteveKoehler22

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

@UNDEADTRESOR

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

@Cpin42

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

@TopherKearby

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

@ch000ch

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

@awkwardphilippe

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter