The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.