This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
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In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Breaking news:
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
The pen is writier than the sword.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.