ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
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I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”