ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
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When your parents check you’re ok.
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My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Do one person every day that scares you.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB