When your parents check you’re ok.
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Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?