I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
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ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
knights of the ikea table
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.