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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
how to have an accident 101
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.