I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
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Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
congratulations to them
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do