When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
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Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Did my cat write this
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”