Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
You Might Also Like
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Something Saturday.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I’m a self-made hundredaire
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.