Something Saturday.
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Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Room with a view.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.