Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
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ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?