No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.