*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
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If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right