[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
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“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.