[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
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I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
mechanics be like
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
No way!
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..