How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
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“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
scared to check what name she chose
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990