Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
You Might Also Like
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.