ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
You Might Also Like
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor