My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
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Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Buying a well is money well spent.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣