“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
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Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Put this video in the Louvre
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.