A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
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Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Not today.. 😂
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
britain’s three elite institutions
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken