“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?