Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
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A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Milk Cube
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”