Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
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I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?