@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
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‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
My dog learned how to text
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“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
This is not me but this is me
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If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil