@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
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“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class