your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
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How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!