your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
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GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls