I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
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I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
When news reporters do sports stories
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
calling in to work dehydrated
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.