@abbycohenwl “It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
@HellisWorthit I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
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@abbycohenwl 
@FredTaming interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
@SmurfetteDE Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
@TheCatWhisprer People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
@ndiquote Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
@wendchymes Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
@imence2 Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
@SteveKoehler22 Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
@pizzajaynow I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
@melibuff I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.