I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
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Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.