@HellisWorthit

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

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@abbycohenwl

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

@FredTaming

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

@SmurfetteDE

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

@TheCatWhisprer

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

@ndiquote

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

@wendchymes

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

@imence2

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

@SteveKoehler22

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

@pizzajaynow

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

@melibuff

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.