I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

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“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”


interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened


Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.


People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.


Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..


Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.


Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.


Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.


I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.


I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.