90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
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My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.