90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
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*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.