When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
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omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?