When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
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After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Goat cheese is for herders.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.