The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
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That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”