Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
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You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.