TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
You Might Also Like
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
“What movie?” 🤔
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
lmao
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog