Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
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[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.