Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
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BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.