I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
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“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.