coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
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My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Saw online –
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I’d hang this in my house.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*