I’d hang this in my house.
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I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
The glory of fall.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you