I’d hang this in my house.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
![]()
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
#TopTip
![]()