I’d hang this in my house.
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I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl