just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
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I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.