Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
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me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
How dramatic are you?
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen