What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
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I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
We’ve all been there
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I can also cook 😂
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.