My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
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this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??