I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?