I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
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Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not