No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
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If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?