“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
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a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
The government even made aliens boring
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!