I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
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I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.