Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
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Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I think I’m having a stroke
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.