A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
You Might Also Like
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I want what they have
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises